Nightshift

When I was 16, I swore off marriage and kids. I wanted to go to school in Switzerland. I wanted to see the world. A free spirit was what I planned to be. No working mom for me. It was all career and freedom. My wings ached to lift me off the ground and into the sky. I wasn’t really interested in boys either. I didn’t have time to fool with them, and since I wasn’t getting married, why bother?
My little sister was another story. Giver her the dolls, the dresses, the boyfriends. She wanted everything a girl wants, right down to the 2.3 kids. We were polar opposites on the plans scale.
Funny how things work out. She has never been married. I’ve been married for 22 years. She has no children. I have three sons and routinely borrow others. She goes all over the place. The last time I left the country I was in the 10th grade, and haven’t left the state in years.
As much as I love to travel and my freedom, I do not feel tied down. Nor do I envy my sisters lifestyle. I am quite happy, and wouldn’t trade places with her for the world. I hope she feels the same way. I think we both feel blessed to be where we are in life.

The person that hugs you after a bad day, no questions asked. Does he know?
Does he know how everything is right with the world while he holds you?
Does he feel the relief wash over you?
Does he know about the tears of joy you hold back?
Does he know seeing him is the highlight of your day? Even after all this time?
Does he know that it is his strenght that holds you up during the worst times?
Does he know that it’s his hands that mend your broken spirit?
Does he know that he is your better half?
Does he know how much his work means to you? How much you want his dreams to come true?
Does he know that you study every inch of him? Know every muscle, and ridge? Every rough callous and scar?
Does he know you watch him give all that he is to all that loves? That you know what he has given up, and is willing to give for you?
Does he know you would rather be alone than be without him?

Tell him. Even if he already knows.

The previous entry took me almost 4 days to write. My sister was assaulted by a man she trusted, one she had promised with whom to share her life. She is ok. Physically. He did far more damage mentally and emotionally. She had trust issues to begin with and was starting to work through them. I wonder now, if she will ever truly overcome them.
It takes me a long time to get mad, which isn’t fair. By the time I’ve turned the situation over in my head, several hours to days have passed by the time I decide that I am angry. There are no fits of rage, no temper tantrums, just cold, resolute anger. Hense the 4 days. It took me that long to comprehend my feelings, untangle the fury, analyse it, and express it. What it boiled down to was this:
I want him to understand and experience the fear my sister felt. The betrayal. The unknown. I want him to have no concept of existance other than this fear; no phyical feelings, no concept of time to wonder when it will be over, nothing else. To make him understand the helplessness, total absence of control, and the terror that comes with it. And I want him to feel that blind fear until his mind no longer exists. I DO NOT want him to die. I want him to live a very long life. Saturated by fear.

I love my g-mail account. Here’s why. I’m guessing that gmail provides the ads we see on various webpages that also send us email when we visit the sites. That’s why g-mail’s spam filter is soooo very excellent. Google already knows they are spam. That being said, I decided to paruse the spam cataogory and actually read some of the headers of the 100 odd spam messages relegated to email hell in the last few days. Now, I know my demographics are out there. I do. Google has them, Google tracks my searches and know what I’m interested in. I know this information is available – I’ve had spam messages about it – showing off how it will benefit my enterprise to be able to access this info. So, why, in the infinite wisdom of the internet, am I getting spam that has no relevance to me what-so-ever?
I am a mother of 3 living in the south, happily married for quite a long time, and stably employed. Here is a sample of what spammers think I might be interested in:

Gay singles in your area (San Francisco) Really? When did I move across the country?

Work at Home and make Thousands I work a full time job and have three sons in their late teens. What part of work do you think I don’t do already?

Enlargement tablets! FREE SAMPLES!!! Obviously they don’t understand the equipment part of female. I’m a MOTHER, remember? Now start talking upper body and you might just get my attention.

Adjust the behavior of your child by following our program. No thanks. I’ll stick to the methods that I was brought up with. They have worked well so far. Try sending me a message that says ‘How to get your teen to do his chores in 3 easy steps’ and then INCLUDE THEM!!! Not only will I click on that, if the steps work, I’ll visit your site and see what else you have.

Jeeez, you would think spammers would care about demographics. They might get better results.