Nightshift

Soooo, what have you done for me lately?

isengaurd — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 22:19:34 +0000

I felt like crap yesterday. I slept a good portion of the afternoon but it really didn’t help. I cooked dinner. The food wasn’t spectacular, but they ate it without (much) complaint. Watched a show I wanted to see, then went to bed and read till about 3:30 am. My husband quietly snored beside me as I did so. The noise gets on my nerves, so I’m always telling him to roll over. I finally put my head to pillow to go to sleep and as usual, my mind went for a walk before I faded out. My hand was tucked under my hubby, just for the comfort of contact, and what wandered across my mind was “This man loves me. He doesn’t love me because I’m special. I’m special because he loves me. It’s tangible, the power of his feelings for me. This is a palpable contentment that holds me up and grounds me at the same time. The knowledge that he cares for me so much isn’t overwhelming, but calming, soothing. I don’t deserve it, but no one deserves to be loved like he loves me. Nothing I could do could ever earn it.” So while all of this is going through my head, I’m falling asleep. And he starts to snore again. And I tell him to roll over again, because he keeps rolling back over to touch me in his sleep. I don’t like the noise, but I like why it’s there.

Current Mood: Happy

But I can’t DO anything…

isengaurd — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 14:07:44 +0000

Last night as I was trying to wrap everything up and get to bed, I read a Facebook post that broke my heart. My husband’s cousin’s wife has cancer. Earlier, my sister-in-law told me her grandson, my great nephew, had to have surgery. And at work yesterday, my department manager told me that her daughter, who has a congenital liver condition, would not live a year without a liver transplant that she was unlikely to get, so she was going to try to be a live donor to her.
So much going wrong. Yesterday was a day of bad news. And all I can do for any of them is pray. Even though I’m here with my boss, I can’t help. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in prayer, and I have witnessed too many miracles to even entertain the idea that prayer doesn’t work. I know it does. But I ache to do more. More for them directly. I never see my relatives, and what do you say to your boss when she tells you her daughter is dying?
I’m a “Gimmie that and let me fix it!” person. When there is something wrong, that’s what I do, I fix it. And this is driving me nuts. The sad thing is, I have no idea what they could even begin to need. But I AM here, if nothing else.

Anywhere but Tomorrow, Anytime but Clutter

isengaurd — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 23:51:07 +0000

Wow, life has gotten BUSY! Computer work, work work, and the new business is booming. So much so that I have no time. Well, that’s not really true I guess. I would probably have more time, but there is this thing that I just cannot do. It is soooo totally foreign to me that it may as well be from another planet. I honestly believe it is a sin against my nature. Yes, as I have always claimed, my nemesis, the dreaded skill that defeats me: ORGANIZATION!!! If I am to succeed I must conquer this enormous mountain that stands in my way. I don’t have any new year’s resolutions. I have but one goal. I must master the skill of organization. As I do my research, I am finding that this is not one skill, but a skillset. So as I sigh in dismay, I find I have a bunch of little hills rather than one big mountain to tackle, which is probably supposed to make me feel like this is a little less daunting. If you have ever visited my house, you are probably trying to breath right now. I know laughter is good for the soul, but it isn’t supposed to choke you. Really, it isn’t. And while my inner cynic tells me this is most likely the biggest exercise in futility I have ever undertaken, (and I have ‘taken under’ quite a few) I will still give it my best shot… or pray to be shot by the time it’s all over. Pray for me… I’m going to need it.

Feeling Crunchy

isengaurd — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 16:30:22 +0000

I’m haveing a really nasty time with myself lately. I’m tired all the time, irritable, cranky, etc, and generally hard to get along with. Not really feeling my usual cheerfull self. Not sure whats up. Sometime I could just start crying at the drop of a hat. I feel overwhelmed almost constantly. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and be left alone or get lost in a book. I have no motivation. This is not like me. I have always had trouble keeping my mind on what I was doing, but here lately, it seems impossible. And for some reason I can’t bring myself to care. I thought it was my thyroid acting up again, but I had that checked and it hasn’t changed. Maybe it’s my age. I have no idea. But I need to find out.

Current Mood: Sickly

Tinkle, Clink, Tssssss….

isengaurd — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 20:38:24 +0000

Have you ever heard embers fall? You know the sound they make when they hit each other? Kind of like the styrofoam packing peanuts do? It’s almost the same. I think if snowflakes made a noise on impact, that’s what they would sound like

of Mice and Men (and sometimes women)

isengaurd — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 20:31:42 +0000

When I was 16, I swore off marriage and kids. I wanted to go to school in Switzerland. I wanted to see the world. A free spirit was what I planned to be. No working mom for me. It was all career and freedom. My wings ached to lift me off the ground and into the sky. I wasn’t really interested in boys either. I didn’t have time to fool with them, and since I wasn’t getting married, why bother?
My little sister was another story. Giver her the dolls, the dresses, the boyfriends. She wanted everything a girl wants, right down to the 2.3 kids. We were polar opposites on the plans scale.
Funny how things work out. She has never been married. I’ve been married for 22 years. She has no children. I have three sons and routinely borrow others. She goes all over the place. The last time I left the country I was in the 10th grade, and haven’t left the state in years.
As much as I love to travel and my freedom, I do not feel tied down. Nor do I envy my sisters lifestyle. I am quite happy, and wouldn’t trade places with her for the world. I hope she feels the same way. I think we both feel blessed to be where we are in life.

I Wonder…

isengaurd — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 20:41:40 +0000

The person that hugs you after a bad day, no questions asked. Does he know?
Does he know how everything is right with the world while he holds you?
Does he feel the relief wash over you?
Does he know about the tears of joy you hold back?
Does he know seeing him is the highlight of your day? Even after all this time?
Does he know that it is his strenght that holds you up during the worst times?
Does he know that it’s his hands that mend your broken spirit?
Does he know that he is your better half?
Does he know how much his work means to you? How much you want his dreams to come true?
Does he know that you study every inch of him? Know every muscle, and ridge? Every rough callous and scar?
Does he know you watch him give all that he is to all that loves? That you know what he has given up, and is willing to give for you?
Does he know you would rather be alone than be without him?

Tell him. Even if he already knows.

New Tradition

isengaurd — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 15:28:41 +0000

As the holidays approach, the giant Asian factories are kicking into high gear to provide Americans with monstrous piles of cheaply produced goods –merchandise that has been produced at the expense of American labor. This year will be different. This year Americans will give the gift of genuine concern for other Americans. There is no longer an excuse that, at gift giving time, nothing can be found that is produced by American hands. Yes there is! It’s time to think outside the box, people. Who says a gift needs to fit in a shirt box, wrapped in Chinese produced wrapping paper? Everyone — yes EVERYONE gets their hair cut. How about gift certificates from your local American hair salon or barber? Gym membership? It’s appropriate for all ages who are thinking about some health improvement. Who wouldn’t appreciate getting their car detailed? Small, American owned detail shops and car washes would love to sell you a gift certificate or a book of gift certificates. Are you one of those extravagant givers who think nothing of plonking down the Benjamins on a Chinese made flat-screen? Perhaps that grateful gift receiver would like his driveway sealed, or lawn mowed for the summer, or driveway plowed all winter, or games at the local golf course. There are a bazillion owner-run restaurants — all offering gift certificates. And, if your intended isn’t the fancy eatery sort, what about a half dozen breakfasts at the local breakfast joint. Remember, folks this isn’t about big National chains — this is about supporting your home town Americans with their financial lives on the line to keep their doors open. How many people couldn’t use an oil change for their car, truck or motorcycle, done at a shop run by the American working guy? Thinking about a heartfelt gift for mom? Mom would LOVE the services of a local cleaning lady for a day. My computer could use a tune-up, and I KNOW I can find some young guy who is struggling to get his repair business up and running. OK, you were looking for something more personal. Local crafts people spin their own wool and knit them into scarves. They make jewelry, and pottery and beautiful wooden boxes. Plan your holiday outings at local, owner operated restaurants and leave your server a nice tip. And, how about going out to see a play or ballet at your hometown theatre. Musicians need love too, so find a venue showcasing local bands. Honestly, people, do you REALLY need to buy another ten thousand Chinese lights for the house? When you buy a five dollar string of lights, about fifty cents stays in the community. If you have those kinds of bucks to burn, leave the mailman, trash guy or babysitter a nice BIG tip. You see, Christmas is no longer about draining American pockets so that China can build another glittering city. Christmas is now about caring about US, encouraging American small businesses to keep plugging away to follow their dreams. And, when we care about other Americans, we care about our communities, and the benefits come back to us in ways we couldn’t imagine. THIS is the new American Christmas tradition. Forward this to everyone on your mailing list — post it to discussion groups — throw up a post on Craigslist in the Rants and Raves section in your city — send it to the editor of your local paper and radio stations, and TV news departments. Please help spread the word! Shop locally!

Stolen from Hugs of Hope on Facebook!

Tired

isengaurd — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 03:24:48 +0000

Lots I want to say
stuff i want to write
havent got the time
to take from the fight.
got to get some rest
really need the sleep
now if i could just keep out
the noises from the street.
hubby tucks me in,
kisses me good night.
i do take the time to pray
and thank god for my life.

good night

Litter

isengaurd — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 03:38:56 +0000

Once I went for a walk. I was not a long walk, but not too short either. While I walked, I saw many things. Trees, grass, birds and other things like them. I enjoyed the walk because I saw so many things. I will remember them, they taught me about life. I saw something that caught my eye up ahead. I was interested. I looked forward to getting closer. But when I got there, I saw nothing more than a piece of trash. I could find nothing of value or substance. So I shrugged, continued on my way, course unchanged, and promptly forgot him.