Once I went for a walk. I was not a long walk, but not too short either. While I walked, I saw many things. Trees, grass, birds and other things like them. I enjoyed the walk because I saw so many things. I will remember them, they taught me about life. I saw something that caught my eye up ahead. I was interested. I looked forward to getting closer. But when I got there, I saw nothing more than a piece of trash. I could find nothing of value or substance. So I shrugged, continued on my way, course unchanged, and promptly forgot him.
Month:September 2011
Fuse – ion
The previous entry took me almost 4 days to write. My sister was assaulted by a man she trusted, one she had promised with whom to share her life. She is ok. Physically. He did far more damage mentally and emotionally. She had trust issues to begin with and was starting to work through them. I wonder now, if she will ever truly overcome them.
It takes me a long time to get mad, which isn’t fair. By the time I’ve turned the situation over in my head, several hours to days have passed by the time I decide that I am angry. There are no fits of rage, no temper tantrums, just cold, resolute anger. Hense the 4 days. It took me that long to comprehend my feelings, untangle the fury, analyse it, and express it. What it boiled down to was this:
I want him to understand and experience the fear my sister felt. The betrayal. The unknown. I want him to have no concept of existance other than this fear; no phyical feelings, no concept of time to wonder when it will be over, nothing else. To make him understand the helplessness, total absence of control, and the terror that comes with it. And I want him to feel that blind fear until his mind no longer exists. I DO NOT want him to die. I want him to live a very long life. Saturated by fear.
Concerning the Violent
It is my desire
to pluck out your mind
leaving an involitional husk
to place your sentience in darkness
the only points of brightness
incalculable fear
with no reprieve or succor
from bowel liquifying terror
that is consumate oblivion
to remove all concept of time
until corporeal existance withers
awareness devoured by the searing light
that precedes death
until there is nothing left.