Day:February 10, 2016

As promised, here I am documenting my first day of chemical mitigation for ADD/ADHD: I am 47 I have never taken medication for this before. I am taking a highly controlled stimulant. I have never taken stimulants before. I do not know what to expect. I work in a very noisy open environment.

8:05 am I took my first dose this morning.

9:05 am I noticed mild heart burn, close to what being hungry feels like. Then I got sleepy. I was driving to work at the time.

10:00 am The sleepy feeling passed I had a cup of coffee during that hour. I felt like I had taken cold medication. Sleepy with jitters. My scalp tingled. The noise in here isn’t bothering me like it usually does. I usually have to step out to get my head together, and its busier and louder than normal.

10:30 am the scalp tingling has stopped and so have the jitters. got another cup of coffee. I feel like someone flipped a switch in my head that says “focus”. the noise and activity aren’t bothering me. I don’t have to make an effort to ignore them!! this is new! For the first time in my life I don’t have to actively ignore the conversations around me. I usually hear and try to pay attention to everything. I don’t try to eavesdrop, the mic is just always on. Its like the mic moved away and now its just background noise. It’s a huge relief to be able to just think. I am a bit more high strung, I think. Because thinking about how I would usually be affected and not having to deal with the frustration is a bit overwhelming. The relief is overwhelming. Like tears overwhelming. Don’t know if its the relief or the meds bringing on the tears. Also, this medication can have side effects that include loss of appetite and libido. All I can say on that is HA! HA HA!! Quite the opposite, thankyouverymuch.

2:00 pm The jitters are mostly gone. 3rd cup of coffee. still focused. still not a problem to tune out the activity around me. For a first day, not so bad so far.

3:00 Effects seem to be winding down… sleepy. Staying focused is easy, but starting on something new or deciding on what to work on is still a challenge. at least i can concentrate on making the decision.

4:00 My shoulders are tense. Not sure if it’s the meds, but I don’t usually have tension problems. Have to wait a few days and see.

5:30 pm Sooo, first day not so bad. I got a lot done, moreso than I think I could have gotten done under normal conditions for me. The massive amount of noise didn’t bother me. I’m not sure what I expected. I did not expect the medication to work “that well.” To be honest, I feel like it made a significant difference in my ability to keep my mind on what I was doing. By the same token, when I needed to change the channel, I didn’t have a problem going from one task to the next. For the first day, I feel things went pretty well. I did not have any anxiety, and I still don’t. I do feel like I am more chatty, for lack of a better term. In general I am a happy person, and I try to be pleasant to everyone. I have not had any issues maintaining that disposition that I am aware of. I am tense physically, with tightness across my back. My shoulders hurt. But if that is all I have to put up with, I think I can deal with it. I have asked key people that I work with to monitor my moods and behavior and let me know if they see anything out of the ordinary. One has experience with this medication and knows what to look for, the other does not. What is so surprising to me is the amount of guilt I am feeling. I feel guilty about giving in to something I can’t truly do anything about. I feel guilty about taking medication. I feel guilty about the type of medication, that it can be abused. I’m scared to death I will become addicted to it. I don’t have an addictive personality, but it still scares the bejesus out of me. And worst of all, the absolute thing I hate the most, is that I have been dealing with this, fighting it, for 45+ years, and I lost. I admitted defeat when I swallowed that first pill this morning. Was all I could do not to break down. I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I know it isn’t justified. its like taking advil for a headache. but I still failed, at least to me I did. You may see it differently. I suppose, since in essence I am still fighting it, that I haven’t failed. I failed to beat it without help, but since I haven’t stopped trying, I haven’t failed completely. Onward HO!! See you tomorrow.

No, I’m not moving, at least my household isn’t.

Everyone that knows me knows I can be a bit… scattered. I am disorganized, and my thoughts are just as random and chaotic as the rest of me and my immediate environment. I have a confession to make about that. At the age of 4, I was diagnosed with Hyperkenetic Child Syndrome. You can read about that here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperkinetic_disorder

Now that science and medicine have had time to work their magic, they call it ADD/ADHD and related syndromes. There are all kinds of medications on the market for what I have been dealing with for the last 45 years or so. I have never used them. My mother believed that if medication was needed so teachers could handle children, it was the teachers that should be medicated. My symptoms were mitigated by diet and behavioral therapy; i.e. no artificial flavors, colors, preservatives, or sugar. Kool-Aide was a huge no-no. She told me that I was a smart little girl and that I knew when I felt like acting out. It was up to me to make sure I didn’t do so. And I was also responsible for monitoring my younger sister, who had also been diagnosed. We were instructed to monitor each other. It worked for the most part. I still had problems staying focused in school until junior high. I still had problems making friends. But the ones I did make, I still have today. As an adult, married and with children, I thought I was doing OK. I held my job, paid the bills on time, etc. Looking back, I can see where ADD was an issue, but I used routine and diet to mitigate, and my husband made sure I ate regularly and kept to my schedule. I did well until I lost my job. It took me about a year to get back into the workforce. By then, the financial stress was getting to me. I lost too much weight. I couldn’t concentrate, and organization was out of the question. I lost that job too. I kept my next position for 6 years. I held two positions while there. I did well until the company was sold and I was laid off. It took me six years and a two year diploma program to get back into the workforce. I held multiple temp jobs, but finally succeeded in a full time permanent position. I got promoted after 2.5 years. I did well. Then management changed. ADD became a factor again, and I lost that job while seeking treatment.

That was 3 years ago. It took me 5 months to find another job, get laid off, 3 mos to find another, lose it due to ADD and find another 2 weeks later. I have that job now, and I love it. I got it after being brought in as a contractor on a 6 month agreement. The company hired me. I do good work and I know it. I also know I am not consistent. I am having trouble with the ADD again. BUT! I will not lose this job to lack of organization and inconsistency like before. I have decided to seek treatment. I had already started the process before, and had the diagnosis, which was consistent with my childhood evaluation. I decided to pick up where I left off three years ago. I spoke to my physician. I got a prescription filled. I took my first dose today.

I despise daily medication. I take it for hypothyroidism. That’s it. I stopped taking birth control because I couldn’t remember to take it and there were other options available to us that did not involve synthetic hormones that would atrophy my ovaries. I avoid medicine at all costs. I treat with diet and tea. Colds, flu, infections, whatever. Doesn’t matter. Advil and Tylenol for pain. No Scripts. Ever. Antibiotics when I have no other choice. I have never used anything other than alcohol for recreation. If you have to drink or take something to have a good time, you’re doing it wrong. I have never used any substance illegally or legally for recreation, other than drinking. I just never had an interest, and I can’t physically tolerate opioids. They make me hysterical. So this first dose is huge for me.

In subsequent posts, I will be documenting how this treatment is affecting me. I will not be listing the chemical or the dosage; but it can be abused and if not handled correctly, can be addictive. I will list how I am feeling physically, any side effects, efficacy, and my emotional state. If you have any questions about my experience that you don’t feel comfortable posting in a comment, email me at isen.gaurd@gmail.com, and put “ADHD Posts” in the subject line. I will do my best to get back to you. Thank you for taking this journey with me. I hope you learn as much as I do.