Month:March 2016

There is a joy in me. It wants out. It wants to spread. It wants to rule the world. I want to let it.

So, I decided that my happiness was my responsibility a long time ago. I’m happy because I want to be, and I keep myself around people and environments that facilitate my desired state. That being said, it does not mean that others don’t contribute to said state. This week has been GLORIOUS! All but one child is here with me, the spouse also, work is going incredibly well, and I have become friends with some of the most thoughtful and generous souls. I have spent the entire week in fellowship. As far as contributions are concerned, my cup runneth over. I feel like I’m about to pop and spew happy everywhere. “HAPPY HERE, GET YA FREE HAPPY HERE! SNAG A HUG AND SOME HAPPY, GOT YA RIGHT HERE!” And because I’m happy to begin with, it just stacks. Like gaming stats or something. I am so thankful for the people around me. I want to share the joy and the love. So smiles everywhere, and favors galore. To those around me Thank you for being part of my happy 🙂

I’m a gadget person. Always have been. I love my technology and my doodads. The way one thing triggers another, moves another. I love all things mechanical, from engines to whimmydiddles. (yes that is a thing, Google). I bought a new gadget. I love the mechanics of it. I like the way it feels in my hand. I like its weight. Taking it apart and cleaning it and putting it back together again is therapeutic in its detail. I like its reliability, and take comfort in it.

I am a happy person. I’m easy going, and like to talk. I believe in the sanctity of life: that all life is precious. I’m pretty non confrontational. I would rather work things out than argue. I have never been in a fight, never struck another person in anger. I abhor violence with a visceral revulsion. A friend offered to teach me martial arts. I had to strike his hand so he could gauge my strength. I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t even allow toy guns in my home.

I have a new gadget. Its singular purpose goes against every thing that I am. It’s the same gadget. How can one ‘thing’ evoke feelings of such dichotomy, fascination and repulsion, at the same time? I am struggling to reconcile the proximity of force with the new of the gadget. The security it offers with the lethal potential at my fingertips. And the new is starting to wear off. I wonder if I will wind up hating it. I hope not; it’s a wonder of modern engineering and precision. I am afraid of it. There is real fear in me when I handle it. Maybe that will wear off too. Fear is not something I’m used to feeling. I’m not a small person, but I have never needed to defend myself either. That being said, I do have a temper. One I keep under tight control. I haven’t lost my temper since I was 15. I will never lose it again. I can’t. Not now. Never again. I think… I think that what I may be afraid of is my own potential for violence. I am afraid that I will hurt someone, because I know that once I decide to do it, I will follow through. I’m not afraid of the gun, I’m afraid of myself.

Sooo, this was supposed to be a daily thing. Oops. I’ve just been so busy! and getting so much done! The side effects have disappeared. No dizzy, no cranky when hungry, none at all. The only side effects that I have seen are positive: because I take it at the same time every day, I get tired at the same time every day, at night. I am sleeping better and longer. I wake up a little before the alarm goes off. I’m getting more done when I get home. Laundry, picking up etc. Planning is easier, and easier to stick to. My appetite has not changed. I still eat on time, and the same amount. And of course I’m not distracted as easily. All I can say is that for now, I can report that the medication does what it says on the tin.