SOO my youngest will be 21 in a few months. I think that I have a lot of thinking to do. I love my boys, oh GOD, do I love my boys, but they aren’t boys any more, not anymore. I am so proud of all of them. They have chosen their paths, and while those paths may not have been what I had hoped for them, those paths weren’t for me to choose to begin with. None the less, I am proud they, my boys, have persevered, have “stuck with” the paths that they have chosen for themselves. They aren’t boys anymore, no not anymore. I have to let them go. They are MEN now; they are my men. Just doesn’t sound the same, but damn they are good men. I have to accept that they are no longer children. I told my youngest: remind me when I say “I love my boys.” that I should say, “I love my young men.” I have to let you go, and I need your help with that. “Yeah, whatever…” They are already gone, I just hadn’t noticed yet.
Category:Boys
Mama – Mommy – Mom – Womom – Woman
Quite the progression there. And I’m almost at the end. And I just realized it.
With my youngest child at the age of 19, the motherhood thing is coming to a close. I will always be Mom, their mother, but they no longer require the care, supervision and utter support of dependent children. They still require approval, and will for a while, which is ok with me. But we spend more time on equal ground, if not experience, than ever before. And they will always be fun. My boys have always BEEN fun.
I came to this epiphany because of a new hobby. Not one normally thought of as a female thing. It involves very loud noises and lots of lethal force. It is also something I thought I would never do, and I have found it quite liberating as far as overcoming personal obstacles is concerned. I have never been one to stint on research as far as my interests go. The more I can learn, the better I feel about the subject. So, while doing research on my hobby, I read an article about the issues and obstacles women face when pursuing my particular choice of recreation. One of them was guilt. Guilt about not cleaning the house, spending time with the kids, spending money on classes instead of tennis shoes. As I read, I grinned. “My kids are grown, I’m pretty much done with the mom thing.” is what I thought. That’s when it hit me. “My time belongs to me now, which is why I’m trying all of these new things. This is why I’m learning to tear apart engines. This is why I’m challenging myself to conquer personal fears and limitations and systematically eliminate them. This is why I’m suddenly and acutely aware that it’s my life, and I don’t need anyone’s approval to do what I want, other than those I choose from whom to request it.” Oddly enough, I am not saddened to see the end of that part of my life. Any more than I would be saddened by finishing a project for a class one of my sons was doing. Wistful? Maybe. We did it together. We had a good time. We finished the project, and it got an A+. We did a good job together. I can’t feel sad about that. Realizing this, I am ready to continue, fully understanding now, why this is so liberating, so fulfilling, and yes, so much fun.
Missing a Boy
Well, my oldest son started college. I only have the two youngest at home now. The house feels not quite full. There is definitely a noticeable absence. We chat online still. But instead of looking at each other and laughing, there is only the “lol” in the chat window. The random hugs are not as welcomed by the younger two boys. No one randomly spouting off about a new awesome chip being released soon, no more various and sundry chunks of dismantled technology lying about. The youngest has transplanted his mess into the now vacant room. And I realize that when he comes home, it’s to visit, not live. I have an adult son living on campus. When he graduates, he will most likely have a job lined up. We will help him find a place to live, an move in. I doubt he will live at home again. The middle son has admirably stepped in as the oldest child in the house. He now does as asked without complaint or long delay. Now that he has a room to himself, its far cleaner and neater than he ever kept things when he was sharing a room. He wants his brother to come home because he is “tired of being the good kid already.” The grades are decent so far. And I hope they stay that way. He plans to stay home and go to the local university for teaching. He likes kids. The youngest hasn’t changed at all. Still demanding, still feeling disenfranchised, still wanting more than I feel he has earned. I guess it’s hard seeing your older siblings getting what you can’t have just because you are younger. But he is willing to work for just about anything, as long as he gets something out of it. Hubby? I think he misses the extra hand around the house. I have never been one for housework, and the oldest always helped him out. We all still set his place at the table even though he’s been gone for three weeks. His best friend who didn’t leave comes over to spend time with the other two. A surrogate of sorts I suppose, for all parties.
It’s been a month of changes, the last 30 days. I have started a new position at work in lieu of being laid off. I now work dayshift. Started the same week as college. So many major changes. I no longer have the me time on Friday mornings when no one is home. I no longer have nightcaps at the end of my day at seven AM. Who knows, I might actually get some sun (god forbid! I must protect my delicate moon tan.) I brag about my oldest’s accomplishments all the time. Lots of pride there. He is studying like crazy. Making friends is easy for him; he already has several new ones. Everyone says he takes after me. (head starts to swell) Major compliment to me there.
I know I have to let him go. I have never really held on tightly, but not having him in the house is just… hard. I’m as new at being a parent as he is being a child. The other two have the benefit of my experience. Not him. He’s my first try. I am waiting to see how well I did. His accomplishments will reveal my faults and strengths, the depth and accuracy of my judgment. They will be wholly his. I can’t wait to see him again. To hug him. Because when I do, I hold myself, my husband, and so much more than just a young man: I hold the physical incarnation of the love between myself and my spouse. When I hug my sons, I hold my life’s work, love, pride, joy, sorrow, and everything in between. I am proud of my son, and I miss him.
Out of the Mouths of Babes…
I showed the pictures Cass drew to represent me to my youngest son, age 14. His response? “Ummmm, yeah. A little less Tinkerbelle and a lot more G.I. Joe…”
Updates frantic
Wow! what a whirlwind month April turned out to be! Between children’s activities and work, sleep has been a bit on the slim side.
My oldest son won the Electronics Applications division of the Georgia state SkillsUSA Competition… for the third year running! Takes after his grandfather he does, just brilliant.
Thyroid medication has had a very mild effect on me, if any. No one has noticed any increase in irritability for the last 2 wks, and that’s as long as it should have lasted. Hmmm, that might not be a good thing…
Work has been oddly busy for some reason. We may even have to work this coming Friday night. I never have to work Fridays… but hey, I’ll take any overtime I can get. Then after we work a sixth day this week, they are laying us off for the first week of May. Lack of work they say… *scratches head* Go figure 😕
OMG I am sooo sore and bruised. One of my dearest friends works for an architectural firm. They just upgraded all of their displays to flat panel lcds. He let me know that there were 3 21″ CRT’s available if I would only come and get them. I was there in 2 mins flat. What I didn’t account for was how HEAVY these suckers are. The lightest one was over 50 lbs, so not too bad. But the others must have weighed in at nothing less than 80! And no hand holds!! 🙁 My hands sweat as it is so after the first one nearly sliding out of my grip, I tightened down with the hands. I kept having to push the things back up to my arms with my thighs. Now I have huge bruises on my legs and arms where the weight of these boulders was resting. But they are sooo crisp 😯 The display is just awesome. Photoshop never looked so good. Nothing like a professional grade monitor to make your pictures look incredible!
So I am off next week. I’m going to go visit my sister in Atlanta for a few days and then come home and work in the yard. I’ve let it go waaaaaay to long.
Oh yeah 🙂 Do check out the pictures on the Wandering Eyes page ^^ My sister took most of them and there are some great shots there.
My husbands 50th birthday is Monday 5/11. I want to do something for him, but I don’t think I have the money for a big shebang. Have to save up for the oldest boy to head to the SkillsUSA national competition. That’s not going to be cheap 😐 I need to think of ways to raise funds to send him as the local school board has refused to pay for anything. Have to see if I can find a corporate sponsor or something… Maybe the company I work for would be willing to help… Comment on this post if you have any Ideas.
Well that’s all that has happened lately. Its time for me to go to sleep.