Category:Family

I felt like crap yesterday. I slept a good portion of the afternoon but it really didn’t help. I cooked dinner. The food wasn’t spectacular, but they ate it without (much) complaint. Watched a show I wanted to see, then went to bed and read till about 3:30 am. My husband quietly snored beside me as I did so. The noise gets on my nerves, so I’m always telling him to roll over. I finally put my head to pillow to go to sleep and as usual, my mind went for a walk before I faded out. My hand was tucked under my hubby, just for the comfort of contact, and what wandered across my mind was “This man loves me. He doesn’t love me because I’m special. I’m special because he loves me. It’s tangible, the power of his feelings for me. This is a palpable contentment that holds me up and grounds me at the same time. The knowledge that he cares for me so much isn’t overwhelming, but calming, soothing. I don’t deserve it, but no one deserves to be loved like he loves me. Nothing I could do could ever earn it.” So while all of this is going through my head, I’m falling asleep. And he starts to snore again. And I tell him to roll over again, because he keeps rolling back over to touch me in his sleep. I don’t like the noise, but I like why it’s there. 🙂

Last night as I was trying to wrap everything up and get to bed, I read a Facebook post that broke my heart. My husband’s cousin’s wife has cancer. Earlier, my sister-in-law told me her grandson, my great nephew, had to have surgery. And at work yesterday, my department manager told me that her daughter, who has a congenital liver condition, would not live a year without a liver transplant that she was unlikely to get, so she was going to try to be a live donor to her.
So much going wrong. Yesterday was a day of bad news. And all I can do for any of them is pray. Even though I’m here with my boss, I can’t help. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in prayer, and I have witnessed too many miracles to even entertain the idea that prayer doesn’t work. I know it does. But I ache to do more. More for them directly. I never see my relatives, and what do you say to your boss when she tells you her daughter is dying?
I’m a “Gimmie that and let me fix it!” person. When there is something wrong, that’s what I do, I fix it. And this is driving me nuts. The sad thing is, I have no idea what they could even begin to need. But I AM here, if nothing else.

When I was 16, I swore off marriage and kids. I wanted to go to school in Switzerland. I wanted to see the world. A free spirit was what I planned to be. No working mom for me. It was all career and freedom. My wings ached to lift me off the ground and into the sky. I wasn’t really interested in boys either. I didn’t have time to fool with them, and since I wasn’t getting married, why bother?
My little sister was another story. Giver her the dolls, the dresses, the boyfriends. She wanted everything a girl wants, right down to the 2.3 kids. We were polar opposites on the plans scale.
Funny how things work out. She has never been married. I’ve been married for 22 years. She has no children. I have three sons and routinely borrow others. She goes all over the place. The last time I left the country I was in the 10th grade, and haven’t left the state in years.
As much as I love to travel and my freedom, I do not feel tied down. Nor do I envy my sisters lifestyle. I am quite happy, and wouldn’t trade places with her for the world. I hope she feels the same way. I think we both feel blessed to be where we are in life.

The person that hugs you after a bad day, no questions asked. Does he know?
Does he know how everything is right with the world while he holds you?
Does he feel the relief wash over you?
Does he know about the tears of joy you hold back?
Does he know seeing him is the highlight of your day? Even after all this time?
Does he know that it is his strenght that holds you up during the worst times?
Does he know that it’s his hands that mend your broken spirit?
Does he know that he is your better half?
Does he know how much his work means to you? How much you want his dreams to come true?
Does he know that you study every inch of him? Know every muscle, and ridge? Every rough callous and scar?
Does he know you watch him give all that he is to all that loves? That you know what he has given up, and is willing to give for you?
Does he know you would rather be alone than be without him?

Tell him. Even if he already knows.

The previous entry took me almost 4 days to write. My sister was assaulted by a man she trusted, one she had promised with whom to share her life. She is ok. Physically. He did far more damage mentally and emotionally. She had trust issues to begin with and was starting to work through them. I wonder now, if she will ever truly overcome them.
It takes me a long time to get mad, which isn’t fair. By the time I’ve turned the situation over in my head, several hours to days have passed by the time I decide that I am angry. There are no fits of rage, no temper tantrums, just cold, resolute anger. Hense the 4 days. It took me that long to comprehend my feelings, untangle the fury, analyse it, and express it. What it boiled down to was this:
I want him to understand and experience the fear my sister felt. The betrayal. The unknown. I want him to have no concept of existance other than this fear; no phyical feelings, no concept of time to wonder when it will be over, nothing else. To make him understand the helplessness, total absence of control, and the terror that comes with it. And I want him to feel that blind fear until his mind no longer exists. I DO NOT want him to die. I want him to live a very long life. Saturated by fear.