Category:Life in General

I’m a gadget person. Always have been. I love my technology and my doodads. The way one thing triggers another, moves another. I love all things mechanical, from engines to whimmydiddles. (yes that is a thing, Google). I bought a new gadget. I love the mechanics of it. I like the way it feels in my hand. I like its weight. Taking it apart and cleaning it and putting it back together again is therapeutic in its detail. I like its reliability, and take comfort in it.

I am a happy person. I’m easy going, and like to talk. I believe in the sanctity of life: that all life is precious. I’m pretty non confrontational. I would rather work things out than argue. I have never been in a fight, never struck another person in anger. I abhor violence with a visceral revulsion. A friend offered to teach me martial arts. I had to strike his hand so he could gauge my strength. I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t even allow toy guns in my home.

I have a new gadget. Its singular purpose goes against every thing that I am. It’s the same gadget. How can one ‘thing’ evoke feelings of such dichotomy, fascination and repulsion, at the same time? I am struggling to reconcile the proximity of force with the new of the gadget. The security it offers with the lethal potential at my fingertips. And the new is starting to wear off. I wonder if I will wind up hating it. I hope not; it’s a wonder of modern engineering and precision. I am afraid of it. There is real fear in me when I handle it. Maybe that will wear off too. Fear is not something I’m used to feeling. I’m not a small person, but I have never needed to defend myself either. That being said, I do have a temper. One I keep under tight control. I haven’t lost my temper since I was 15. I will never lose it again. I can’t. Not now. Never again. I think… I think that what I may be afraid of is my own potential for violence. I am afraid that I will hurt someone, because I know that once I decide to do it, I will follow through. I’m not afraid of the gun, I’m afraid of myself.

Sooo, this was supposed to be a daily thing. Oops. I’ve just been so busy! and getting so much done! The side effects have disappeared. No dizzy, no cranky when hungry, none at all. The only side effects that I have seen are positive: because I take it at the same time every day, I get tired at the same time every day, at night. I am sleeping better and longer. I wake up a little before the alarm goes off. I’m getting more done when I get home. Laundry, picking up etc. Planning is easier, and easier to stick to. My appetite has not changed. I still eat on time, and the same amount. And of course I’m not distracted as easily. All I can say is that for now, I can report that the medication does what it says on the tin.

This post is about conflict. Not war or family, but the kind of conflict you might have at work, or with your spouse. Someone with whom you are close and make decisions. It’s unavoidable. We, as individuals, have different points of view, which will at some point result in conflict. I think conflict gets a bad rap. It doesn’t have to be negative. If you think about it, we would be far worse off without it. Take, for example, any form of propulsion. Debate. Sports. Electricity. Conflict is necessary. Conflict, when properly controlled and directed, results in positive vectors. In other words, if we learn to use conflict correctly, we move forward. Every time we make a purchase, we engage in positive conflict. I want a thing. You want money. We mitigate by making a trade. Or one of us assaults the other and takes what we want. Negative Conflict. If we want to make a difference in ourselves and those around us, we have to learn to use conflict; to look at it as a way to move forward. We get along better, we lose the fear of rejection. We learn about the people around us. We truly become a team. When we have a conflict, we are involved and engaged to meet a common goal. You don’t have conflict if people don’t care. you get “yeah, whatever.” Conflict indicates dedication and passion on both sides, and we can channel that. When you play off one force against another, something moves. Create positive vectors: move toward that star. Now excuse me, I’m off to make waves.

So, today was not the same. The effects from yesterday’s dose didn’t wear off until after 4:00am this morning. I didn’t feel tired or sleepy and it was easy to get up at 8 for work. I was able to rest by using yoga relaxation and breathing exercises. I took my second dose just after getting up. When I went out to the kitchen to do so, I felt aggravated with my son for leaving such a mess there and in the living room. Nothing new about that, but I don’t usually get agitated over it. I will watch my mood. I also felt myself hurry when I didn’t need to. I took a deep breath and relaxed. 9:20am The scalp tingling started and I’m starving. I have a meeting at 10 so i will not have time to eat or get coffee first. 10:15am I felt tension building up in my neck and shoulders. Yoga relaxation techniques are wonderful things, especially during meetings when you can’t stretch. 2:00pm I just realized that I have not had any coffee today. I have been very busy. I’m usually sleepy about now, but not today. Got some coffee. Noticed that I haven’t had the “cold medicine” effect today. Maybe stay away from coffee for a couple of hours after I feel it kick in. I finished the work day without issue. No tired feelings or grogginess. For the most part I felt normal. Mood was good all day, and no anxiety except for the earlier urge to hurry. 11:25pm Getting sleepy. hopefully I will sleep tonight.

I am still apprehensive about medication, but getting used to the idea that this may actually help. It’s only been two days, but I haven’t seen anything untoward in my behavior or how I have felt, mentally or physically. For Day 2, so far so good. I am still debating on whether or not I should continue to dose over the weekend. I don’t think I will need to if I continue treatment, but feel that I need to understand what effects a continuous schedule will generate. The pharmacology states that it leaves my system in 14 hours or less, but I don’t know if there are long term advantages or disadvantages. I am also seeking a medical professional with more adult ADHD management experience. Let’s see what Friday brings.

As promised, here I am documenting my first day of chemical mitigation for ADD/ADHD: I am 47 I have never taken medication for this before. I am taking a highly controlled stimulant. I have never taken stimulants before. I do not know what to expect. I work in a very noisy open environment.

8:05 am I took my first dose this morning.

9:05 am I noticed mild heart burn, close to what being hungry feels like. Then I got sleepy. I was driving to work at the time.

10:00 am The sleepy feeling passed I had a cup of coffee during that hour. I felt like I had taken cold medication. Sleepy with jitters. My scalp tingled. The noise in here isn’t bothering me like it usually does. I usually have to step out to get my head together, and its busier and louder than normal.

10:30 am the scalp tingling has stopped and so have the jitters. got another cup of coffee. I feel like someone flipped a switch in my head that says “focus”. the noise and activity aren’t bothering me. I don’t have to make an effort to ignore them!! this is new! For the first time in my life I don’t have to actively ignore the conversations around me. I usually hear and try to pay attention to everything. I don’t try to eavesdrop, the mic is just always on. Its like the mic moved away and now its just background noise. It’s a huge relief to be able to just think. I am a bit more high strung, I think. Because thinking about how I would usually be affected and not having to deal with the frustration is a bit overwhelming. The relief is overwhelming. Like tears overwhelming. Don’t know if its the relief or the meds bringing on the tears. Also, this medication can have side effects that include loss of appetite and libido. All I can say on that is HA! HA HA!! Quite the opposite, thankyouverymuch.

2:00 pm The jitters are mostly gone. 3rd cup of coffee. still focused. still not a problem to tune out the activity around me. For a first day, not so bad so far.

3:00 Effects seem to be winding down… sleepy. Staying focused is easy, but starting on something new or deciding on what to work on is still a challenge. at least i can concentrate on making the decision.

4:00 My shoulders are tense. Not sure if it’s the meds, but I don’t usually have tension problems. Have to wait a few days and see.

5:30 pm Sooo, first day not so bad. I got a lot done, moreso than I think I could have gotten done under normal conditions for me. The massive amount of noise didn’t bother me. I’m not sure what I expected. I did not expect the medication to work “that well.” To be honest, I feel like it made a significant difference in my ability to keep my mind on what I was doing. By the same token, when I needed to change the channel, I didn’t have a problem going from one task to the next. For the first day, I feel things went pretty well. I did not have any anxiety, and I still don’t. I do feel like I am more chatty, for lack of a better term. In general I am a happy person, and I try to be pleasant to everyone. I have not had any issues maintaining that disposition that I am aware of. I am tense physically, with tightness across my back. My shoulders hurt. But if that is all I have to put up with, I think I can deal with it. I have asked key people that I work with to monitor my moods and behavior and let me know if they see anything out of the ordinary. One has experience with this medication and knows what to look for, the other does not. What is so surprising to me is the amount of guilt I am feeling. I feel guilty about giving in to something I can’t truly do anything about. I feel guilty about taking medication. I feel guilty about the type of medication, that it can be abused. I’m scared to death I will become addicted to it. I don’t have an addictive personality, but it still scares the bejesus out of me. And worst of all, the absolute thing I hate the most, is that I have been dealing with this, fighting it, for 45+ years, and I lost. I admitted defeat when I swallowed that first pill this morning. Was all I could do not to break down. I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I know it isn’t justified. its like taking advil for a headache. but I still failed, at least to me I did. You may see it differently. I suppose, since in essence I am still fighting it, that I haven’t failed. I failed to beat it without help, but since I haven’t stopped trying, I haven’t failed completely. Onward HO!! See you tomorrow.