Missing a Boy

Well, my oldest son started college. I only have the two youngest at home now. The house feels not quite full. There is definitely a noticeable absence. We chat online still. But instead of looking at each other and laughing, there is only the “lol” in the chat window. The random hugs are not as welcomed by the younger two boys. No one randomly spouting off about a new awesome chip being released soon, no more various and sundry chunks of dismantled technology lying about. The youngest has transplanted his mess into the now vacant room. And I realize that when he comes home, it’s to visit, not live. I have an adult son living on campus. When he graduates, he will most likely have a job lined up. We will help him find a place to live, an move in. I doubt he will live at home again. The middle son has admirably stepped in as the oldest child in the house. He now does as asked without complaint or long delay. Now that he has a room to himself, its far cleaner and neater than he ever kept things when he was sharing a room. He wants his brother to come home because he is “tired of being the good kid already.” The grades are decent so far. And I hope they stay that way. He plans to stay home and go to the local university for teaching. He likes kids. The youngest hasn’t changed at all. Still demanding, still feeling disenfranchised, still wanting more than I feel he has earned. I guess it’s hard seeing your older siblings getting what you can’t have just because you are younger. But he is willing to work for just about anything, as long as he gets something out of it. Hubby? I think he misses the extra hand around the house. I have never been one for housework, and the oldest always helped him out. We all still set his place at the table even though he’s been gone for three weeks. His best friend who didn’t leave comes over to spend time with the other two. A surrogate of sorts I suppose, for all parties.

It’s been a month of changes, the last 30 days. I have started a new position at work in lieu of being laid off. I now work dayshift. Started the same week as college. So many major changes. I no longer have the me time on Friday mornings when no one is home. I no longer have nightcaps at the end of my day at seven AM. Who knows, I might actually get some sun (god forbid! I must protect my delicate moon tan.) I brag about my oldest’s accomplishments all the time. Lots of pride there. He is studying like crazy. Making friends is easy for him; he already has several new ones. Everyone says he takes after me. (head starts to swell) Major compliment to me there.

I know I have to let him go. I have never really held on tightly, but not having him in the house is just… hard. I’m as new at being a parent as he is being a child. The other two have the benefit of my experience. Not him. He’s my first try. I am waiting to see how well I did. His accomplishments will reveal my faults and strengths, the depth and accuracy of my judgment. They will be wholly his. I can’t wait to see him again. To hug him. Because when I do, I hold myself, my husband, and so much more than just a young man: I hold the physical incarnation of the love between myself and my spouse. When I hug my sons, I hold my life’s work, love, pride, joy, sorrow, and everything in between. I am proud of my son, and I miss him.