I felt like crap yesterday. I slept a good portion of the afternoon but it really didn’t help. I cooked dinner. The food wasn’t spectacular, but they ate it without (much) complaint. Watched a show I wanted to see, then went to bed and read till about 3:30 am. My husband quietly snored beside me as I did so. The noise gets on my nerves, so I’m always telling him to roll over. I finally put my head to pillow to go to sleep and as usual, my mind went for a walk before I faded out. My hand was tucked under my hubby, just for the comfort of contact, and what wandered across my mind was “This man loves me. He doesn’t love me because I’m special. I’m special because he loves me. It’s tangible, the power of his feelings for me. This is a palpable contentment that holds me up and grounds me at the same time. The knowledge that he cares for me so much isn’t overwhelming, but calming, soothing. I don’t deserve it, but no one deserves to be loved like he loves me. Nothing I could do could ever earn it.” So while all of this is going through my head, I’m falling asleep. And he starts to snore again. And I tell him to roll over again, because he keeps rolling back over to touch me in his sleep. I don’t like the noise, but I like why it’s there. 🙂
But I can’t DO anything…
Last night as I was trying to wrap everything up and get to bed, I read a Facebook post that broke my heart. My husband’s cousin’s wife has cancer. Earlier, my sister-in-law told me her grandson, my great nephew, had to have surgery. And at work yesterday, my department manager told me that her daughter, who has a congenital liver condition, would not live a year without a liver transplant that she was unlikely to get, so she was going to try to be a live donor to her.
So much going wrong. Yesterday was a day of bad news. And all I can do for any of them is pray. Even though I’m here with my boss, I can’t help. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in prayer, and I have witnessed too many miracles to even entertain the idea that prayer doesn’t work. I know it does. But I ache to do more. More for them directly. I never see my relatives, and what do you say to your boss when she tells you her daughter is dying?
I’m a “Gimmie that and let me fix it!” person. When there is something wrong, that’s what I do, I fix it. And this is driving me nuts. The sad thing is, I have no idea what they could even begin to need. But I AM here, if nothing else.
Anywhere but Tomorrow, Anytime but Clutter
Wow, life has gotten BUSY! Computer work, work work, and the new business is booming. So much so that I have no time. Well, that’s not really true I guess. I would probably have more time, but there is this thing that I just cannot do. It is soooo totally foreign to me that it may as well be from another planet. I honestly believe it is a sin against my nature. Yes, as I have always claimed, my nemesis, the dreaded skill that defeats me: ORGANIZATION!!! If I am to succeed I must conquer this enormous mountain that stands in my way. I don’t have any new year’s resolutions. I have but one goal. I must master the skill of organization. As I do my research, I am finding that this is not one skill, but a skillset. So as I sigh in dismay, I find I have a bunch of little hills rather than one big mountain to tackle, which is probably supposed to make me feel like this is a little less daunting. If you have ever visited my house, you are probably trying to breath right now. I know laughter is good for the soul, but it isn’t supposed to choke you. Really, it isn’t. And while my inner cynic tells me this is most likely the biggest exercise in futility I have ever undertaken, (and I have ‘taken under’ quite a few) I will still give it my best shot… or pray to be shot by the time it’s all over. Pray for me… I’m going to need it.
Feeling Crunchy
I’m haveing a really nasty time with myself lately. I’m tired all the time, irritable, cranky, etc, and generally hard to get along with. Not really feeling my usual cheerfull self. Not sure whats up. Sometime I could just start crying at the drop of a hat. I feel overwhelmed almost constantly. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and be left alone or get lost in a book. I have no motivation. This is not like me. I have always had trouble keeping my mind on what I was doing, but here lately, it seems impossible. And for some reason I can’t bring myself to care. I thought it was my thyroid acting up again, but I had that checked and it hasn’t changed. Maybe it’s my age. I have no idea. But I need to find out. 🙁
Tinkle, Clink, Tssssss….
Have you ever heard embers fall? You know the sound they make when they hit each other? Kind of like the styrofoam packing peanuts do? It’s almost the same. I think if snowflakes made a noise on impact, that’s what they would sound like 🙂